Binding spell of Helios to repair a broken appliance

SATIRE

PGM VII 5655-55563

Binding spell of Helios to repair a broken appliance*

Spell: Hail Helios! Hail Raphael! Hail whole universe! Give me the power and authority over all thine Daemons of electronic goods. Yay even until those proprietary devices in the Apple store.  Give me Authority over the spirit of [ name of your appliance] which I bought from [name shop] whence its guarantee hath expired. Yeh even if I had boughteth the warranty which was extended and it was a clapped out pile of shite anyway.  Grant me the success of ABLANATHANALBA and the might of RAMMACHAMAREI and save me from the bills of those tradesmen who would charge me money and take a swift intake of breath and spake and say “this is going to cost thee mightly”  Forsooth, I knowth that you hath nothing better to do than fix broken technology, being not that busy bringing life and spiritual sustenance to the earth. For I am a bit crap and is it  not written that Helios is a god of trivia who is there to cater to every human whim, pathetic though they may be? Is it not spaken that the Barbaric names of power must be profaned by the ignorant, preferably for material gain?  Grant me victory over my troublesome appliance, for I am like unto thee, obsessed with material goods and wishing not to spend money on a repairman.  Come forth and lower yourself in the estimation of humans by doing what I tell thee… for I know your names you are BRITENPHRI, KRIPHI etc.

Do this task for me or I will be miffed and will lower your reputation amongst your peers.

*According to Diogenes Laeritis Proooem 2, In Greco-Roman Egypt Helios was widely seen as the patron god of all electronic appliances. See E Reiss “The Romba Scroll: an early depiction of a cat riding an automatic vacuum cleaner from Middle Kingdom Egypt”